Fight a fight… Fight a FAIR fight…

Fight-  it is the most aggressive form of expression/concern/fear/love?/satisfying ego. The form of communication that is ‘conditional’ unlike love that is ‘unconditional’. We all fight for various reasons, with different people, on unimaginable levels…

Well we’ve all heard and believed (atleast to a certain extent) that ‘all is fair in love and war’* and sadly we forget to read the asterisk that tells us the conditions towards the rule.

So why is the understanding of conditions to fight important? 90% of the times, we fight with the people we know, or care for; but in that moment of hostility the fight gets nasty and dirty. When the fight gets dirty- it only strains the friendship/relationship further instead of resolving the issue (I bet the issue will be tiny-winy).  The perception towards the initiator of the fight changes for the worst and it is hard to see that person in the same light as before ever again. Trust is broken, people are forced to take sides, the sanity gets destroyed.  My observation is that people become more rigid towards their ideas and try to stick to them after a fight. The tendency to change becomes impossible. Sometimes silence says many things.

“Listen! Clam up your mouth and be silent like an oyster shell, for that tongue of yours is the enemy of the soul, my friend. When the lips are silent, the heart has a hundred tongues” ~ Rumi

Moral of the story: Try avoiding fights; communicate with a calm mind if possible, or the best (according to me) just walk out of the situation to save all the drama that follows a fight.

Some rules to consider:

1.     Never lower a character, more so if a woman is involved. Character is the most important and delicate attribute for a human.. don’t use it in unnecessary places.

2.     Always keep a fight private; adding more people takes the fight to a different dynamic. Remember ‘Too many cooks, spoil the broth’.

3.     Don’t spill beans! Never ever, use one secret’s against them during the fight ‘mode’.

Anger… Boon or bane to a relationship?

Anger… Boon or bane to a relationship?

Anger is the strongest form of emotion to express displeasure towards a person, act, or an event. There are tons of expressions at our disposal, but many choose to ‘get angry’ to get their point across the table.

‘Is anger another side of love?’ – is a hotly debated topic and many psychologists have given their perceptions on it…

Here is my take on the root cause of anger:

Good communication will be such a great help in avoiding the whole situation!

Here is one of the most beautiful stories I ever came across:

A sage, with his disciples, was taking a morning stroll by the Ganges and chanting the holy names. There was a couple at a distance, they were distressed and shouting at each other. It turned out that man's wife had lost her necklace of gold while taking a dip in the Ganges. Her husband unleashed a flurry of filthy slur and she was shouting back no less.

The saint stopped, turned towards his disciples and said, "When people are angry, why do they shout at each other?"

One of the disciples replied, "Because when we lose our calm, we shout."

"Granted," said the sage, "but, why should you raise your voice when the other person is just next to you? It's not that he's hearing you better that way. You can still make your point without shouting at the top of your voice."

They offered various answers, none with any revelation.

Finally, the sage spoke:

"Anger immediately creates a distance. When two people are angry at each other, their hearts are no longer close, their emotions are divided and they go miles apart. To cover that distance they yell. The angrier they are, the louder they shout. They are no longer in mode of love, of acceptance, of proximity. They are unable to hear each other, shouting is how they believe they can be heard.

"And! what happens when two people fall in love? They don't shout at each other but talk softly, they almost whisper, because their hearts are very close. There's little or no distance between them.

"When they love each other even more, they exchange even less words, more softly, they murmur, they whisper, yet they hear each other better, their bond strengthens, their love prospers. Finally, they may not even whisper, they only look at each other, silence becomes more potent than speech, that's how close two people can get when they are in love.

"So when you argue do not say words that break your bond of love and make you distant from each other."

Break- up is not an option

The change in times is leading towards diversity. Diversity comes with a its own package of virtues and vices. Playing the devils advocate here, lets look at some of the issues with diversity in relationships.

Love is the amazing bond to share with the special someone. It makes you feel wonderful and ‘makes the world around you marvelous’. In my opinion, love is worth the experience and it’s a bliss when it transforms to a stronger relationship, also known as marriage.

This is all the nice side of falling in love. What happens when things turn a little rough between the couple? Most of the couples call it quits without even trying to sort our things. If anything in this case, today’s digital world of communication makes it worse. Texting or leaving voice messages has become the trend to communicate (rudely) during hard times.

Once this stage is passed, people make the worst mistake by calling it quits. ‘Break-up’ seems to be the best solution for everyone in trouble? I fail to understand this concept. Wouldn’t it be easier to sit and talk through the issue instead of being a stupid?  My personal opinion is to take help, may be from a trust worthy friend or professional help!!

While many may question: why should we try to compromise, sit and talk, have patience and try to resolve? When things are not working out isn’t it a peaceful solution to part and stay apart? As the saying believed by many goes, a thread once broken has to be tied with joints and things will never be the same. After the initial phase of joy and wonder, one realizes it being an infatuation and not love: It being a blunder. Lets imagine for the imagination sake: How strong would the relation get if it is talked through? The situation might give a different perspective as we are in a more ‘saner’ mode.  Things will seem practical. We will better appreciate the person sitting across from us, and it then becomes a two way street for respect and love. So what is the glitch is not talking through?

If you don’t try to make it work with the person you so call ‘love’ at the given point in time, there is no guarantee that you will ever find a partner for a life.  Unfortunately, with all the love dramas we witness around us, it is not very rare to see individuals walking around with a trail of broken hearts and souls behind them.

Break-up is NOT the solution peeps! COMMUNICATION will definitely resolve the issues, of any kind.

Today’s World of Speed Dating

This happened over the routine weekend conversation with one of my school friend. After a few decent minutes of talking, the conversation took a serious turn. (With due respect and privacy of my friendship the topic of discussion shall be kept under wraps). I had a jaw dropping moment and decide to quit the conversation politely. 

It brought me to think: 

1) Are we living in a generation of speed dating? 

2) Isn't there a true meaning for 'love'? 

3) Why are all friendships misunderstood to be the stepping-stones for affairs? 

4) Are we so hormonally imbalanced that each one is a walking sex object? 

5) Can’t there ever be true friendship between a girl and a boy?   

In today's world there is so much of freedom for people, bigoted by globalization. We are slowly adopting and moving towards westernization. The transformation in Indian culture started drilling fast with the onset of IT revolution in the 90s.  Employees who travelled abroad adopted the culture in bits and pieces. The inflow of knowledge in terms of movies, technology, etc are uncontrollable. Our people learn a lot from movies, as it  is the surrogate life they live in. And with globalization, also there were increased stress levels among the people due to stringent work schedules and as a consequence relations take a toll. And the easy way to find solace is being with opposite sex or  getting addicted to alcohol or smoking. This instability forces people to meet the opposite sex to ease  their pressures/tensions. They can meet people of same sex, but as opposites attract, they connect emotionally well. 

I would say sex is the driving force. The only way a person vents his energy is by anger or sex. Many of us find reasons to be angry or upset on some issue or the other.  If not explicit forces, we create situations to be angry. Sex is an alternative to ease off as it maximizes pleasure. Utilitarian way. 

Sex is definitely the most driving force in today’s way of surviving a relationship. Sex weakens the bond between the two involved. How? Have the marriages of our parents' weakened over the years? If anything they've strengthened over the years that they have lived together. Of course they have their points of differences and fights, but it has never let them to let go off their partner. The earlier generation people though maximized their happiness in order to minimize pain of family and society they were bonded. Even their expectations were low.

In the current situation once sex is over, the mind becomes happy and ultimately with time the partner becomes an object as the person has attained maximum pleasure. It is like buying a new phone, once you are satisfied, you do not like it and want a new model.  And if you ask me why people do such things? That is because they are emotionally unstable and the earlier culture has been infringed. Also it is a problem of surplus. Wasn’t this problem of surplus there in earlier days? Yes indeed it was, but back then, we were bonded by culture and were better individuals, morally.

Are we living in a generation of speed dating? This is the day of ‘free world’. We want to end a relation as quickly as possible to form a new one. We do that, because we have become more individualistic and financially independent. We want to get what we want; and we do!

For example: if a couple is in a relationship and things don’t work out, instead of finding the root cause of the problem they call it quits and call it off. This is now the increasingly visible ‘new culture’. Imagine earlier, during an arranged marriage if the girl had affairs prior to marriage, the guy would straight away reject her. But that option was not given to girl. And also, if a girl had any affair with any guy, she would marry ONLY him if not commit suicide. Very few ended up choosing another guy.  With the changing times, this fact is also seen changing. Now a days, neither the guy nor the girl worry about the past. Whatever happened in the past is done and a new life together MUST start. That is the idea. Surprisingly parents also support this probably as they want to support their children despite the mistakes.

What is love for us (us meaning the current generation)?  Nice bike rides, gifts, movies, sex, and then bye bye??! How many couples have married their 1st love? More importantly it is related to emotions, and we do not think it through before giving the commitment. If we say we thought well, before falling in love, and still it did not work out, it means we did not think well.

Consciously or unconsciously our brain works towards indulging our self in opposite sex. Opposite poles have to attract, come what may! Peoples thought process has changed, and hence when they enter into a bond of friendship they know it could/will turn into an affair or may be friends with benefits. The movie strengthens the idea too. Why do people consider friendship as an affair is mostly because of our culture that never encouraged friendships with opposite sex in the earlier days. This shows that the world has changed while the saying  remained true! Frankly speaking a girl and guy will make good friends, as sometimes friends of the same gender cannot convey their feelings as it is. There is a veil always. But with opposite sex there is no problem as such. The energy just flows.

We are morally corrupt- that’s the whole problem here! People need counselling. But what is the measure for this problem? Work culture, friends, lifestyle…. are just a few factors that can be changed to change our mindsets. We are what your friends are, right? We get influenced by our surroundings might not by 100% but at least to about 10%.

Finally, it is a combination of one or many of globalization, easy access to sex, craziness, stupidity, hormonal imbalance, blindly trusting people, trying to explore new things.